Preface: as much as I'd love to claim credit for it, I did not create this form; it belongs to Mallory Ortberg at The Toast, and she's done way better things with it than this. (I particularly recommend Text Messages From a Jack-O-Lantern, though be warned: it's sad. Texts From The Lorax is also really good, and more upbeat. They're all recommended, though.)
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Hi
Im touching the top of the thing now
what thing
i dont know its solid and clear
and making me bend
plastic?
?
ill get you yr own pot soon
dont rot first ok?
its just kind of uncomfortable is all
my petiole hurts
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my roots feel funny
yeah the potting mix
isn't the same as the vermiculite
i know
youll get used to it tho
its not bad exactly
just weird
well give it some time
it tastes different
i dont feel anchored properly
like i might come loose and fall
you wont fall
itll be ok
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i dont know if im supposed to
talk to you abt this or what
but the soil feels dry
oh geez
sorry
i should have watered yesterday
instead of playing the sims
no worries
i think im ok
just maybe water soon ok
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aaa aaa aaa aaa
what
what is it
theres something on me
what
theres something on me and
oh god
i think its eating me
do somethign pls
ill be right there
where did it come from
what is happening
its probably scale
a scale insect
ive been trying bu
theyre hard to get rid of
well hurry up
i dont like scale insects
im coming
i dont like them either
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hey
hi bob
did you mean to turn out the light
i didnt turn anything off
no
cause the light above me is dark
and usually its bright
at this time of day
probably one of the bulbs burnt out
they dont last forever
or maybe the fixture went bad
sometimes they break
can i come down and fix it in like half an hr?
ok
its just darker
and im hungry
do you want me to come down right now?
i could do that
well if its not aa problem 4u
but you dont have to
RIGHT now
no its ok
ill do it now
im not doing anything important anyway
just the blog
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help
theres sometihng on me again
what
more scale
no its different
it moved really fast
i dont know if its still there or not
but it was big
lots bigger
oh
was it trying to eat u
i dont think so
it just ran across
its gone now
it was probably just a spider
did you count the legs
spiders have 8
i didn't count
i was distracted
well let me know if it comes back
ok
thank you
sorry to bother you
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hey
bijoux just made a funny leaf
its all red
and theres a weird dangly bit
are they ok
what like a flower
whats a flower
oh god
why is it bad
to have a flower
i dont know how to explain
its not bad
maybe kind of embarrassing
its where seeds come from
seeds like i used to be
yes
i cant believe i have to give the birds and bees talk
to a plant
what are birds and bees
actually its probably not birds and bees
for anthuriums
its probably beetles or flies or something
maybe i shoudl google that
before i try to explain
whatever
as long as i know
theyre not dying
not at all
its a good thing
it shows theyre growing up
and humans like me
think flowers are pretty
usually
so you wish i would make a flower?
are you disappointed
no no no
its not like that at all
youll bloom when you bloom
theres no pressure at all
i like leaves too
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ive got a surprise for you
a happy surprise?
yes
should i come down now and look
no
not yet
its not ready yet
wait a few weeks
should i guess?
is it a flower?
maybe
youll just have to wait and see
when shouldi check
couple weeks
ok
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so what did you think
about the flower?
it was nice
omg i am so horny right now
do you think theres a way i could
tmi tmi tmi
get my pollen over to bijoux
sorry
its hard to think about anything else
but was the flower nice?
yeah
tho i wondered why you went with
pinkish-red
dont know
it seemed like a nice color when bijoux did it
you dont like pinksh red?
no
i mean its a fine color
its just that most of you guys
are doing pinkish red
i was thinking thered be more variety maybe
oh
but thats not to say
its a bad color
i mean its not white
if all of you did white flowers then
that would be really boring
i can try to do something else next time
i dont think it works like that
but seriously dont worry about it
im sorry i said anything
ppink-red is great
and youre right bijoux does wear it well
and so do you for that matter
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help
what
i think my flowers going to fall off
its all dry and shit
oh
is that all
what do you mean
is that all
i dont want 2 go back
2 just having leaves again
well but
having flowers si so much fun
you know you can make more flowers right?
and pollination is the
i can make more flowers?
yes
bob
you can make more flowers
most anthuriums do
oh thank goodness
if i couldnt make any more flowers
id be so depressed
a lot of plants dont bloom more than once actually
so youre kind of lucky
they just bllom and then go back to making leaves forever?
that doesnt make any sense
no
usually they bloom once
set seeds and then die
oh
yeah dying sounds abt right
i cn understand that
i wouldnt have thought blooming was
such a big deal
dont humans bloom
well sort of
but its different
but you wouldnt want to bloom once
and then die right?
no
youre right
you make a good point
now youve got me feeling bad for annuals
thats what the plants that do that are called
being an annual must be terrible
yeah maybe it is
id never really thought about it