Just one of those places my mind goes during idle moments. (Who among us doesn't fantasize from time to time about being able to talk houseplants with Buffy Summers? Hmm?)
Show, character: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy Summers
Actor: Sarah Michelle Gellar
Plant recommendation: Phalaenopsis cv.
Buffy often complained, especially in the early seasons, about the pressure of having to save the world from vampires, on the one hand, with the desire to live like a normal SoCal high school girl. Phalaenopsis isn't that demanding of a plant, so she should be able to keep up with its needs, and it also has long-lived, attractive flowers in various girl-friendly colors. Sunnydale's mild climate should get cool enough during the winter for the plant to set buds if she leaves the window cracked a bit, without getting so cold that the plant's at risk of freezing. I'd also advise her to keep it on one side or the other of the windowsill, not right in the center, because with all the sneaking in and out she does, it'd be awfully easy to knock it over and break off buds or crack the pot.
Show, character: Will and Grace, Jack McFarland
Actor: Sean Hayes
Plant recommendation: Anthurium cv.
Realistically, Jack would have whatever houseplants the hottest guy in the garden center recommended, whether they were suitable for him or not. I'm fairly certain that I'm not hot enough to get Jack's attention, and I don't really see him as having the sort of attention span required to take regular care of a plant, but if I had to come up with a suggestion and he promised to try, I suppose a plant with the common name "peter on a platter" might hold his interest for a bit. It can't hurt the plant's chances, at least.
Show, character: The Simpsons, Lisa Simpson
Actor: Yeardley Smith (voice)
Plant recommendation: Dionaea muscipula
Lisa's pretty much a plant-seller's dream customer, since you know she's going to research the care requirements and then be conscientious about providing the appropriate conditions. Given her interest in science, a venus-flytrap might be just the thing: she could learn about carnivorous plants, read up on the mechanism behind the rapid trap-closing movement, and study the ecology of the bogs in which Dionaea grow naturally. I'd recommend she keep the plant away from Bart, who would almost certainly try to feed it hamburger at some point (though he might be willing to catch bugs for it, if approached in the right way).
Show, character: The Office (U.S.), Michael Scott
Actor: Steve Carell
Plant recommendation: Spathiphyllum cv. (?)
I don't recall ever seeing his home, and his office window doesn't get direct sun as far as I can recall, so we're probably looking for something that will tolerate low light and erratic care. (He seems like the type to forget that the plant exists for long periods of time, followed by attempting to water every day because he heard somebody say something about daily watering once.) A peace lily probably isn't ideal, but they're better communicators than most, and I think even Michael could learn the rule "water when it wilts, and leave it alone the rest of the time."
Show, character: Roseanne, Roseanne Conner
Actor: Roseanne Barr
Plant recommendation: Epipremnum aureum
As a working mother of three, with an emotionally needy sister and not a lot of money, Roseanne doesn't have a lot of time to fuss over a plant, but pothos are very undemanding plants, which could stand to be neglected for a week or two if Becky, Darlene, or D. J. are having crises, plus they're widely available and cheaply replaced if one should happen to get pushed too far.
Show, character: 30 Rock, Jack Donaghy
Actor: Alec Baldwin
Plant recommendation: Strelitzia reginae
With huge windows and blinds that are rarely closed, plus the money to hire staff to care for his plants, the only thing holding Jack back would be his office's low humidity. A Strelitzia wouldn't care about that, plus they're visually strong, bold plants that are good indoors. That he could afford to get blooming-size specimens only makes them more appropriate. (I apologize for not having a good photo of a blooming-size plant.)
Show, character: Being Human (U.S./Canada), Sally Malik
Actor: Meaghan Rath
Plant recommendation: Haworthia attenuata
Being a ghost poses special challenges for plant care, but since she's learned how to interact with physical objects (sometimes), watering's not the obstacle that it would have been during most of the first season. I'd recommend something that didn't need a lot of water, and could be kept in the kitchen near the sink, to minimize the consequences if her concentration should happen to slip while transporting the water. The Being Human house appears to have a partly-obstructed east or west window above the kitchen sink, which would be fine for a succulent that didn't demand a lot of light, like a Haworthia.
Show, character: Star Trek, Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Actor: DeForest Kelley
Plant recommendation: Passiflora incarnata
With the flora of hundreds (thousands?) of planets to choose from, I'm guessing most Enterprise residents probably don't have Earth-native species in their quarters, but Dr. McCoy is both old-fashioned and sentimental, so it seems likely that he would choose something from Earth, and most likely something he'd seen as a child in the southern U.S.
Not only does Passiflora incarnata work, they're also potentially useful in medicine, and produce edible fruits. Indoor care would be difficult, but I'm assuming that indoor plants are probably a lot easier to grow in the 23rd century. And if not, surely the Enterprise has a botany lab or arboretum or something, I don't know. (Damnit, Jim, I'm a plant blogger, not a Trekkie!)
Show, character: Firefly, Kaylee Frye
Actor: Jewel Staite
Plant recommendation: Schlumbergera cv.
On the other hand, in the Firefly universe, the plants and animals of Earth-That-Was appear to be all that anybody has to work with, so we're on a bit firmer ground to make guesses. We know she likes ruffly dresses, and lives on a ship that gets knocked around quite a bit and occasionally breaks down altogether, so it should be something pretty, but with a tough constitution. I think Schlumbergera is probably as close as we're going to get: easy to bloom, the flowers are complex, abundant, and colorful, and if the artificial gravity breaks down occasionally so the plant winds up floating around the room, well, the worst that'll happen is that some segments might fall off.
Show, character: Beavis and Butthead, Beavis
Actor: Mike Judge (voice)
Plant recommendation: Aloe vera
Beavis really shouldn't be trusted with plants at all, considering how bad he is at keeping himself alive, but an Aloe vera can pretty much fend for itself in Texas so long as it gets rain occasionally (Not a great assumption recently, I know, but still.), and nobody who loves fire like Beavis loves fire should be without an aloe nearby.
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Photo credits:
Photos aren't necessarily the property of the sites I took them from; the whole legal standing of screencaps, re-use of promotional materials, and so on is confusing for me. But these are the immediate sources for the actor photos I used. (Plant photos are all my own.) Some photos were cropped, resized, or otherwise slightly altered.
Buffy Summers: http://dana.web.unc.edu/2011/05/21/buffy-the-vampire-slayer-or-how-i-became-a-card-carrying-member-of-the-cult-of-joss-whedon/
Jack McFarland: http://lifestyle.inquirer.net/3634/tv-dads-we-love
Lisa Simpson: http://willyoumissme.com/2010/10/21/joanna-newsom-is-lisa-simpson-%E2%80%94-in-her-dreams/
Michael Scott: http://videogum.com/298112/thursday-night-tv-open-thread-goodbye-michael-scott/top-stories/
Roseanne Conner: http://dunderbrain.wordpress.com/2008/11/07/dan-and-roseanne-conner%E2%80%99s-floor-plan/
Jack Donaghy: http://www.fanpop.com/spots/30-rock/images/265765/title/jack-donaghy-photo
Sally Malik: http://scifi.about.com/od/beinghuman/ig/Gallery---Being-Human--on-Syfy-Season-2/Meaghan-Rath-as-Sally-Malik.htm
Leonard "Bones" McCoy: http://seriesandtv.com/top-10-classic-tv-doctors-who%C2%B4s-your-favourite-doctor-on-tv/3562
Kaylee Frye: http://firefly.wikia.com/wiki/Kaywinnit_Lee_Frye
Beavis: http://www.screened.com/news/beavis-butt-head-still-carrying-the-fire-after-all-these-years/3061/
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The Houseplants I'd Recommend to Various TV Characters, and Why
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Rumble Among the Jungle, Matches 2.17-2.20
Rules and Stuff
1) It's probably possible to vote more than once per poll, but please don't. If I believe that someone is voting repeatedly, I will throw out those results, repost the poll, and seriously question that person's priorities.
2) If you want to link to a poll on Twitter / Facebook / your blog / whatever and encourage your friends to come and pump up the support for your favorite plants, you are encouraged to do so.
3) You are also encouraged to leave comments on Rumble posts, if so moved.
4) All photos will enlarge if opened in a separate window/tab.
5) You can choose which plant is "best" according to whatever criteria you decide for yourself. My personal process is a bit convoluted.1
6) All polls will be open for three days.
Results for matches 2.1 to 2.4:
Not as many votes for this set as there were for most of the round one matches; I'm not sure if this means y'all are finding it harder to choose or getting bored with it or what.
In match 2.1, Clivia miniata cvv. take out small hybrid Vriesea cvv. 59 to 36.
Cryptanthus cvv. shut down Tradescantia pallida in match 2.2, 56-34.
Clivia miniata cvv. faces Cryptanthus cvv. in match 3.1, which will be on 15 October.
Saintpaulia cvv. destroyed Echinopsis spp. in round 2.3 by a better than 75%/25% margin (actual score 71 to 21), which makes two in a row. Saintpaulia cvv. is definitely one to keep an eye on as we head to the later rounds.
Round 2.4 had Epipremnum aureum cvv. barely edging out Crassula ovata / argentea / arborescens, 51 to 42.
Match 3.2 is going to be very interesting (and maybe a little nerve-racking) to watch, I think: Saintpaulia cvv. vs. Epipremnum aureum cvv. Voting will open 15 October.
I predict most of you will find today's votes a bit easier to cast than a lot of the previous round two matches have been.
Match 2.17
Dionaea muscipula (venus flytrap) vs. Aeschynanthus spp. (lipstick plant, goldfish plant)
Match 2.18
Aechmea fasciata (silver vase plant) vs. Spathiphyllum cvv. (peace lily)
Match 2.19
Pilea involucrata 'Norfolk' vs. Chlorophytum comosum cvv. (spider plant)
Match 2.20
Kalanchoe luciae / thyrsiflora (flapjack plant) vs. Echeveria cvv. and related plants (Sedeveria, Graptoveria, Pachyveria, etc.)
Middle row, L-R: Graptosedum 'Alpenglow - Vera Higgins,' Echeveria coccinea flowers, Echeveria 'The Rose.'
Bottom row, L-R: Echeveria nodulosa, Pachyveria x glauca, Echeveria x shaviana 'Pinky.'
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1 I'm deciding according to a hypothetical situation in which all of my houseplants are gone, as are all the other houseplants of the world, except for one producer/supplier/retailer. Said person is offering to restock me with one or the other of the plants in question but refuses to give me both. Which one would I choose?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Rumble Among the Jungle, Matches 1.33-1.36
Rules and Stuff
1) It's probably possible to vote more than once per poll, but please don't. If I believe that someone is voting repeatedly, I will throw out those results, repost the poll, and seriously question that person's priorities.
2) If you want to link to a poll on Twitter / Facebook / your blog / whatever and encourage your friends to come and pump up the support for your favorite plants, you are encouraged to do so.
3) You are also encouraged to leave comments on Rumble posts, if so moved.
4) All photos will enlarge if opened in a separate window/tab.
5) You can choose which plant is "best" according to whatever criteria you decide for yourself. My personal process is a bit convoluted.1
6) All polls will be open for three days.
Results for matches 1.17 to 1.20:
In match 1.17, Senecio rowleyanus and S. radicans got off to a strong start, but were soon overtaken by Phalaenopsis/Doritaenopsis cvv., ultimately losing by a score of 46 to 67.
Match 1.18, on the other hand, was about as unambiguous as it's possible for a match to be, with Monstera deliciosa clobbering Musa/Ensete cvv. 88 to 19. I'm a little puzzled about this, but hey, I voted for Monstera too, so.
Phalaenopsis and Monstera will face one another in match 2.9, on October 9.
By contrast with 1.18, match 1.19 has been a seesaw since it began, with Sansevieria cylindrica taking an early lead over Mammillaria spp., then falling behind, then regaining. In the end, Sansevieria managed a mere three-vote victory, 55 to 52, the closest margin so far.
Araucaria heterophylla's victory over Chamaedorea elegans in match 1.20 was never in doubt, though. Its votes have outnumbered Chamaedorea's by about a 2-to-1 margin since the poll opened, and it's won with more or less the same proportions, 69 to 40.
Sansevieria cylindrica and Araucaria heterophylla will also square off on October 9, in match 2.10.
And now the new matches for the day.
Match 1.33
Dionaea muscipula (venus flytrap) vs. Pilea mollis 'Moon Valley'
Match 1.34
Ardisia crenata (coral berry) vs. Aeschynanthus spp. (lipstick plant, goldfish plant)
Match 1.35
Aechmea fasciata (silver vase plant) vs. Rhapis excelsa (lady palm)
Match 1.36
Coffea arabica (coffee plant) vs. Spathiphyllum cvv. (peace lily)
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1 I'm deciding according to a hypothetical situation in which all of my houseplants are gone, as are all the other houseplants of the world, except for one producer/supplier/retailer. Said person is offering to restock me with one or the other of the plants in question but refuses to give me both. Which one would I choose?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
List: Houseplants for Beginners to Avoid
This is the flip side of the list I posted on May 27, which was about easy plants I recommended for beginning growers of houseplants. These are the ones that are fairly easy to get (usually a little less common than the easy ones; it depends where you shop), but are not good prospects for growing year-round indoors.
There are a number of reasons why this could be the case. Some of the plants on the list are very prone to bug problems. Some of them are easy enough to keep alive, but are unlikely to ever again look as good as they do when you first see them in the store. Some have completely unreasonable care requirements, or are slow to recover from damage and consequently just sit there looking like crap forever if you forget to water once. That sort of thing.
I either know, or have at least heard of, people who have been successful with each of these plants. I have no doubt that there will be people reading the list who will say but I have a [name of plant] and it was the first one I ever bought and it's been awesome for me for fifteen years; I think you're nuts. And to those people, I say congratulations. (Also I say that whether or not I'm nuts is not the issue.) I know of many more people, however, including some people with a lot of indoor plant experience, who have tried some of these and failed multiple times.
The unfortunate thing is that these are still being sold, a lot, because they're really damned attractive. The stores don't actually care what happens to your plant once you purchase it, and in fact would probably rather you killed them, everything else being equal (people with dead plants are people who will buy replacements), so they'll keep getting them in. But give some easier stuff a try before handing over your money for these, is basically what I'm saying.
Why you would want one: they have big, dramatic leaves with striking shape and coloration.
Why you shouldn't get it: spider mites love them, they're fussy about humidity and temperature, and occasionally they will decide to go dormant, which if you don't know that they do this will make you think you killed it.
What to buy instead: Anthurium andraeanum (some cultivars have similar leaf size and shape, plus flowers), Ficus elastica 'Burgundy' (similar leaf color, size, and texture), Philodendron 'Congo Red' or 'Imperial Red' (similar leaf size and color), Syngonium wendlandii (vining plant with velvety, dark green, arrowhead-shaped leaves and a contrasting lighter center).
If you've already bought one: watch carefully for spider mites (they will show up as light webbing on the underside of the leaves and a dusty, tan, washed-out look on the tops of the leaves). Keep humidity and temperature high (not below 60F/16C). Provide good light (filtered sun or very bright indirect or artificial light). Hope for the best.
Why you would want one: iridescent-metallic, multicolored leaves in green, gray, red, black, pink, purple, or silver, on a low, trailing plant.
Why you shouldn't get it: unreasonable environmental requirements, plus prone to mildew and other fungal diseases, unforgiving of lapses in care.
What to buy instead: Saxifraga stolonifera is a very easy, low-growing plant with silver-veined green leaves which are red underneath. Tradescantia zebrina is a trailing plant which usually has purple leaves striped in silver. Pilea involucrata 'Norfolk' trails, and has red, brown, gray, and silver leaves depending on the amount of light it is receiving; it's not a particularly good beginner plant, but I'd consider it an improvement on rex Begonias. Some of the cane Begonias, particularly the angel-wing or trout-wing types, may be slightly easier to get along with than the rexes, and have coloration which is similar, though their habit is very different. Some rhizomatous Begonias (Don suggests 'River Nile' in the comments) are also less fussy, and the patterns are frequently just as interesting even if the color range is narrower.
If you've already bought one: provide bright indirect light or filtered sun to maintain color. Keep humidity high around the plant, but try to avoid splashing water directly on the leaves. Do not allow the plant to dry out completely.
Why you would want one: large oval leaves with delicate, fancy-schmancy streaks and blotches of color.
Why you shouldn't get it: drought-intolerant, sensitive to fluoridated water, prone to spider mites, unreasonable expectations for humidity.
What to buy instead: some Aglaonema and Dieffenbachia cvv. have similarly intricate color patterns and oval leaves, if not an equally broad color palette. Peperomia obtusifolia has some cultivars with feathery green-and-yellow variegation (for example 'Golden Gate'), and though it's a much smaller plant, it's also much easier. Variegated Epipremnum aureum cultivars like 'Marble Queen' have fairly intricate, swirly patterns, though the colors tend to disappear if the plant is grown in low light.
If you've already bought one: as for Alocasia, above.
Why you would want one: dude! They move, and kill insects and shit!
Why you shouldn't get it: need special water because they're mineral-sensitive, very strong light year-round, and inhumanly cool temperatures during winter (when they go dormant). Plus they rot at the drop of a hat.
What to buy instead: not many good options. The sensitive plant, Mimosa pudica, also moves in response to touch and is perhaps a little more manageable, though it also needs very bright light and is not, in my opinion, a very pretty plant most of the time. I've heard nice things from certain quarters about Drosera (sundews), Pinguiculas (butterworts), and Nepenthes (pitcher plants), but my experience with Nepenthes is that they're not easy at all, and I'd be surprised if the others were either. I would recommend that a beginner either wait for a long time to attempt carnivorous plants in general, or else commit to growing nothing but carnivorous plants, because their needs are very different from the plants people normally keep indoors, and very little of your experience with one group will transfer to the other.
If you've already bought one: they need lots of light (full sun), distilled or reverse-osmosis water, and a winter dormancy; read the Dionaea muscipula profile for more specific information. You might also consider getting a terrarium for it.
Why you would want one: 'cause they're so fucking Christmasy and festive.
Why you shouldn't get it: they're just very badly-suited for indoor cultivation all around. They need tons of light, even during the winter when you're least likely to have lots of light; they need a lot of warmth; they're a pain to rebloom; they're usually potted in crappy potting mix because the growers don't expect them to survive past New Year's so there's no point springing for the good potting mix; they're usually artificially dwarfed using hormones, so even if you did manage to keep it until the next year, you'd have a leggy monstrosity; they tend to be stressed from being forced to grow fast and bloom fast; if you're in a cold climate, they've probably been shipped in cold and are stressed from that when you see them; they're prone to fungus, whitefly, and everything else; the lower leaves fall off at the drop of a hat, even if it's the next-door neighbor's hat; they bring untold misery and despair to garden center and greenhouse workers the world over; and I say not to.
What to buy instead: oh my god anything. An. Y. Thing. Norfolk Island pines (Araucaria heterophylla) can be very nice long-term plants if you have a bright, cool spot for one. Schlumbergera cvv. ("Christmas cactus") are very easy, though plants purchased late are prone to drop flower buds once you get them home, so try to buy them out of season or else as early as you can. Those are probably the two I'd most recommend. But if you don't like those, English ivy (Hedera helix) is common in stores around Christmas: it's a terrible, terrible idea to start your houseplant career with Hedera, but better that than poinsettias. Forced bulbs like Hippeastrum ("amaryllis") can be saved and made into long-term, reblooming plants. Even Cyclamen persicum or Kalanchoe blossfeldiana, absolutely anything at all, just not a poinsettia.
If you've already bought one: enjoy it while it lasts.
Why you would want one: the flowers smell amazing.
Why you shouldn't get it: they have unreasonable expectations.
What to buy instead: there are no great Gardenia substitutes, because nothing else smells like a Gardenia. But Hoya lacunosa flowers are pleasant, and the plant is easy to grow. Quite a few of the other Hoyas have pleasant-smelling flowers, too, though ease of care and ease of flowering vary from one species to the next. Murraya paniculata is considerably easier than Gardenia though not easy, and blooms readily year-round if given enough light and water. Finally, Callisia fragrans, which looks and smells nothing like Gardenia, is still relatively easy to bring into bloom, and the blooms smell good enough. All three of the above substitutes also have going for them that they'll continue to bloom for a good long while, once they've started, if care is consistent.
If you've already bought one: Gardenias like cool nights for setting buds, so aim for low temperatures in the 50s F (10-15C). Do anything you can to keep the plant out of hot, dry air, as well, as this will stress the plant and encourage spider mites. Don't let plants dry out completely, either. Plants will also usually benefit from spending the summer outdoors, if you have a semi-protected spot you can keep the plant in where it won't sit in the sun cooking to death. See also the Gardenia jasminoides profile.
Why you would want one: they look like adorable little trees, they're Asian-feeling, you have action figures that would look perfect sitting next to a miniature tree.
Why you shouldn't get it: Juniperus in particular needs much cooler winter temperatures than most houseplants, and won't survive a winter indoors with central heating. Other types of bonsai tend to be extremely touchy about heat and drought. There's also a lot of precise work involved in keeping the plant miniaturized: they want to be full-sized trees, and are only miniature because they're being deprived of root space and fertilizer, and keeping them in line is something of a job.
What to buy instead: some varieties of Ficus, especially F. benjamina 'Too Little' and F. microcarpa, are used as bonsai specimens, but are more resilient and accommodating than most species used as bonsai. 'Too Little' is genetically inclined to grow tiny, bonsai-scale leaves, even when it's not being treated like a bonsai, and consequently is easier to maintain as a miniature tree. Polyscias fruticosa and Crassula ovata maintain a treelike form as they grow, branching spontaneously and forming woody trunks (Crassula ovata is occasionally a legitimate bonsai subject.). Polyscias fruticosa also tends to develop gnarled, bonsai-like forms over time. Araucaria heterophylla doesn't do a very good pine impression, and eventually gets very large, but if you're looking for a houseplant conifer, it may be as close as you're going to get, as a beginner.
If you've already bought one: depends on the species. I recommend Googling for your particular species ("common bonsai subjects," maybe?), or else (if it was sold without an ID tag, as will usually be the case) locating a dedicated bonsai forum of some kind, where you can get advice specific to your plant.
Why you would want one: the weirdness of a plant pretending to be a couple pebbles, or the novelty of a plant with windows in its leaves, or just the all-around freakyness of the thing.
Why you shouldn't get it: watering is tricky, and they demand a lot of light.
What to buy instead: Astrophytum species of cacti, especially A. myriostigma, sort of resemble oddly symmetrical rocks. They're a little touchy about overwatering, too, but not to the same degree. Senecio rowleyanus resembles green beads on a string, and portions of the leaves are translucent. Quite a few Haworthia species, though not all of them, have "windows" at the tips of their leaves, though the resemblance to pebbles is debatable. Pachyphytum spp. look like small piles of pebbles, to varying degrees.
If you've already bought one: give it as much light as you possibly can, and give it water only 1) when it looks like it's shriveling up, and 2) in late August. Otherwise, not even a drop, you hear me? When you do water, don't feel compelled to drench the soil, either. Less is definitely more in this case.
Why you would want one: you're looking for a palm, and it's big and cheap. (The one in the photo is an unusually small specimen.)
Why you shouldn't get it: they're all but impossible to grow indoors in a long-term way. The reason it's so big and cheap is that in Florida or wherever they're being produced, they grow very, very fast, so there's less time invested in a majesty palm than in most of the others, which means less fertilizer, less water, less pesticide, etc. The down side is that although they grow very well in an outdoor tropical climate, indoors they completely suck balls.
What to buy instead: kentia palms, Howea forsteriana, tend to be outrageously priced when one even manages to find one, but people rave about them being incredibly good plants. I've never had the pleasure of growing one, though, so don't know whether I agree. WCW used to talk up the spindle palm, Hyophorbe verschaffeltii, as being a very good indoor palm, but I've never tried that either, and again, they tend to be pricey. I'm personally partial to lady palms, Rhapis excelsa, though they lack the arching, finely-divided fronds of Ravenea and are slow growers and therefore expensive. If it's just the general V-shape you're into, Dracaena fragrans 'Massangeana' is widely available, cheap, and has a certain palminess to it, as do the various cultivars of Dracaena deremensis ('Warneckei,' 'Lemon-Lime,' 'Janet Craig,' 'Limelight,' 'Art,' and so forth), Ficus maclellandii, and Yucca guatemalensis. Strelitzia nicolai, the white bird of paradise, does a decent job of signifying tropical, and is usually not that expensive, though they're very big and need a lot of light to do well.
If you've already bought one: don't get too attached, monitor for spider mites, and give it as much light, heat, and humidity as you can manage. Ravenea would probably also benefit from spending summers outside in a semi-shady spot, though they're extremely thirsty, so make sure to keep it watered.
Why you would want one: delicate, finely-divided foliage, sometimes with a deep red underside (S. erythropus) or iridescent blue sheen (S. uncinata).
Why you shouldn't get it: they're unforgiving of low humidity, over- and underwatering.
What to buy instead: there aren't a lot of alternatives for this one either. I like some of the Davallias (rabbit's-foot ferns) for delicate, finely-divided foliage, and at least one of mine (D. tyermanii) has a slight blue tinge to it. Crassula muscosa has a similar texture and is easier care when properly established, though a lot of the plants sold seem to be sold before they've rooted completely, which makes them somewhat difficult. Pilea depressa lacks the color and is not as fine-textured, but it's still in that same small-leaved creeping category.
If you've already bought one: get a terrarium and plant Selaginella in it. You'll both be much happier.
Don't start with these either:
Adiantum spp. (maidenhair fern)
Asplenium nidus / antiquum (bird's-nest fern)
Caladium spp. (angel wings)
Citrus / Fortunella / etc. (citrus, lemon, orange, lime, kumquat)
Codiaeum variegatum (croton)
Cyclamen persicum (florists' cyclamen)
Fenestraria rhopalophylla (baby toes)
Hedera helix (English ivy)
Hibiscus rosa-sinensis (hibiscus)
Jasminum sambac (jasmine)
Kalanchoe blossfeldiana (flaming Katy, kalanchoe)
Maranta leuconeura cvv. (prayer plant, rabbit tracks)
Nepenthes spp. (pitcher plant)
Oxalis triangularis ("shamrock")
Rhododendron cvv. (azalea)
Rosmarinus officinalis (rosemary)
Soleirolia soleirolii (baby tears)
Streptocarpus cvv. (cape primrose)
Stromanthe sanguinea cvv.
tree ferns (Blechnum, Cyathea, Dicksonia, Cibotium)
Friday, March 5, 2010
List: Houseplants You'll Want to be Growing During the Zombie Apocalypse of 2014
(Howdy to visitors from Homegrown Evolution!)
Although we can't be certain about the location or severity of the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse of 2014, we have a fairly good idea what it's going to involve: there will be zombies, brains will be eaten, civilization as we know it will end, and people will need to be resourceful. And also, obviously, we know it's going to happen sometime in the year 2014, 'cause otherwise the name makes no sense.
Though food-producing plants like potatoes and corn will be of primary importance in the days and months immediately following the rise of the zombie menace, there are other plants, including many sometimes grown as houseplants, which may also prove useful in obvious and non-obvious ways. I have collected a list here. The reader may wish to acquire and begin growing several of these immediately, just to be sure to have enough on hand when the time comes: we only have four years, give or take, so people may need to start propagating some of the slower-growers now.
Please leave a comment if you have any additional suggestions. I'm very interested in everyone's thoughts about the subject.
Abutilon cvv., with their relatively broad, fuzzy leaves, can be used as toilet paper, according to my dad. He was referring to Abutilon theophrasti, or velvetleaf, a common agricultural weed here in Iowa, but I'm pretty sure the more ornamental Abutilons would work. And who wants to survive the zombie apocalypse without toilet paper, am I right?
Agave species can be planted near the home as a first line of defense against zombie attack. Obviously Agaves will not kill the zombies, since zombies are already dead, but it'll slow them down -- the spines can snag clothing and body parts, slowing down attackers, and in the case of sufficiently dense plantings, attacks might be stopped altogether. In areas where Agaves are not hardy, they may still be useful houseplants: the terminal spines of Agave leaves may be removed and used as sewing needles, and the fibers of dried leaves can be spun into coarse but strong ropes. Larger species like A. americana are most efficient for such uses, but other Agaves can be used as well.
Aloe vera is widely respected for its ability to soothe and heal burns, which is very useful if your zombie defense system includes flamethrowers. As your zombie defense system should.
Zombie-resistant fortifications are likely to be airtight or nearly so, both to keep out the stench of rotting zombie parts on your Agave-planted perimeter and to keep zombies from detecting the presence of your delicious, delicious brains. Plants like Chlorophytum comosum will help to improve the air quality of such tight quarters, decorate your living space, and continually produce oxygen so you don't accidentally suffocate while hiding from the zombies.
Cissus quadrangularis has been used, historically, to speed healing of broken bones and injured tendons. It is currently used in dried, processed form as a dietary aid among the bodybuilding community.
Dieffenbachia canes, when chewed, cause pain and swelling in the mouth and throat, potentially leaving the victim mute for extended period. Fed to zombies, this will quiet their moans of "Braaaaaaains! Braaaaaaains," enabling you to sleep comfortably, safe in your defensive bunker.
Effective as your defensive perimeter of Agaves may be, the zombie body parts they accumulate will begin to stink and rot over time, and with stink and rot come flies. Dionaea muscipula, in large enough quantities, can eliminate said flies and protect you against the diseases they transmit, as well as the annoying buzzing sounds they make as they fly around.
The thorns and sap of Euphorbia grandicornis are capable of deterring or capturing zombies, as with Agave spp., preventing them from getting close to your bunker.
In the event that the zombies breach the Agaves and/or Euphorbia grandicornis, your first line of defense, you can use Euphorbia tirucalli as a backup: when the sap contacts zombie (or human) eyes, it causes temporary blindness and searing pain, potentially for several days, enabling you to repel the attack or relocate with significantly less risk to you and the other survivors in your bunker. To use, simply cut a few branches of the plant and fling them repeatedly in the direction of the zombies until sap contacts the zombies' eyes. (WARNING: Do not fling sap unless you, and all humans in your vicinity, are wearing goggles or other protective eyewear. Wash all exposed body parts extremely well following the use of Euphorbia tirucalli in defense.) Additionally, processed sap of this plant shows potential as a fuel source, which may be used to power generators or vehicles. This is likely critical, since power plants and oil refinery operations will likely shut down shortly after the existence of zombies becomes public knowledge.
The sharp marginal spines on Pandanus can deter or slow zombie attacks, as for Agave spp. The leaves can be dried and spun into ropes, or used fresh as a water-repellent shelter for food or other valuables. Some Pandanus species, like P. amaryllifolius, are used in cooking to impart a sweet flavor and aroma to cakes, breads and meat dishes.
As for Euphorbia tirucalli, though less effective as a form of defense and possibly more effective as a fuel source.
Plectranthus amboinicus has a pungent odor similar to oregano, and is used as an oregano substitute when cooking. As spices will probably be difficult to come by once civilization has shut down, this is a cheap way to maintain a little bit of flavor in one's diet. The smell is extremely strong, and may partly mask the odor of rotting corpses from the front lawn. The oil is said to be effective at relieving arthritis pain when applied directly to the skin. As a very tolerant plant which grows quickly, it also has the ability to clean and oxygenate the air, as for Chlorophytum comosum.
Salvia elegans can be used in cooking to impart a pineapple aroma to food; one can also make a refreshing and anxiety-reducing tea from the leaves. The leaves may also be somewhat useful in masking the scent of dead bodies, as for Plectranthus amboinicus. Its quick growth also oxygenates and detoxifies air. Hummingbirds are attracted to the bright red flowers, which appear in late summer into fall, thus the plant may also be grown outside (it's even perennial in warmer climates) and used as bait for catching hummingbirds to eat. (What's for dinner? Pineapple upside-down hummingbirds!)
Spathiphyllum spp. are relatively easy-care, attractive green plants with a high capacity for air filtering and oxygenation. They are frequently given as funeral gifts in pre-apocalyptic America, and may be useful for expressing condolences to other groups in other bunkers following zombie attacks, facilitating trust between survivors and forming bonds which will help to rebuild civilization after the zombie threat has been eliminated.
Not pictured:
Citrus / Fortunella cvv., citrus fruits. (culinary, medicinal, environmental) (thanks, Daphne!)
Colocasia esculenta, taro. (culinary, shelter) (thanks, Taylor!)
Cordyline fruticosa, ti plant (culinary, shelter, clothing, alcohol, fuel)
Dioscorea bulbifera, air potato. (culinary, visual camouflage) (thanks, Errant!)
Dracunculus vulgaris, voodoo lily. (olfactory camouflage?) (thanks, Kenneth Moore!)
Musa spp. / Ensete spp., banana. (culinary, shelter)
Ocimum basilicum, basil. (culinary, environmental)
Opuntia spp., prickly pears. (culinary, defense/offense, livestock feed) (thanks, Andrew!)
Salvia officinalis, sage. (culinary, environmental)
Sansevieria trifasciata cvv., snake plant, mother-in-law's tongue. (fibers, environmental)
Yucca guatemalensis, spineless yucca. (fibers)
Zingiber officinale, ginger. (culinary, environmental, medicinal)
P.S. in response to criticism on a forum I don't want to register for just to make this one point and then never visit again: Yes, I know none of these would survive outside in a northern winter. "Houseplants" is in the title for a reason.
The reason being that sometimes they would have to be grown in the house.
As one does with houseplants.
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