Questions for the Hive Mind: outdoor IDs

Neither of these is an emergency sort of ID situation or anything, but I'm curious.

The first plant was growing in the dark underneath our front deck. The husband has torn the deck apart (for complicated reasons I probably don't fully understand), so suddenly the plant is completely exposed, enabling photography. I'm thinking a juniper of some kind? I don't really know the various needley plants very well.

Another question relevant to this one might be, is this worth trying to relocate? I mean, we don't have any particular attachment to it or anything, and I obviously can't know how it will handle transplanting if I don't know what it is, but if it could be a nice plant at some point, and it was free and could be moved, then we're not above trying to give it a more deliberate location.

UPDATE: More or less identified in the comments by multiple people as a Juniperus sp., probably J. virginiana, with an outside chance at J. communis or J. chinensis.

Plant #2 was growing in a bit of land that had been cultivated within the last couple years, but was allowed to do whatever it wanted this year, so this could either be a deliberately-planted ornamental or a common weed, and I'm not sure which is more likely. The whole plant:

And a close-up of a flower:

The flowers sort of make me think of chicory, but the rest of the plant doesn't. This was blooming in late June, by the way.

It's also appealing to thrips, I gather.

Not really looking for any advice on the second one, since it wasn't on our property, plus: ew, thrips. But I hadn't seen it before, and it was interesting, so I figure one of y'all must know what it is.

UPDATE: Identified by nycguy in comments as meadow campion, Silene latifolia ssp. alba.

List: Plants Which Someone on the Internet has Said Bring Bad Luck

Someone visited PATSP last week via a Google search for "is euphorbia milii a bad luck plant," or something to that effect. Which is interesting. So I googled it myself, which brought me to this page, in which the author had received a question from someone wanting to know if her mother's recurrent, advanced cancer was related to the E. milii plants she'd grown "multiple varieties" of, and if so, whether she should destroy the plants.

Euphorbia milii.
So far, so heartbreaking, but the post attracted a comment confirming that the plant was terrible, and harbored bad spirits, and would kill entire families given half a chance to do so, as demonstrated by the sad (unconfirmable) case of someone (no name given) in the Middle East (country unspecified) who owned one, whose entire family died (by unspecified means), so then he was going to destroy the plant (because somehow he knew the plant was responsible?), but then another guy (likewise unnamed) saw the plant before it was destroyed and took a piece of it home with him to the Philippines. At which point the anecdote stopped because the comment-writer got distracted or something, but I assume s/he was going to go on to say that that person's whole family died horribly as well: s/he was very clear that E. milii was a bad, terrible, no good, evil, dangerous plant which should be eradicated from the face of the earth.¹

Which is of course makes the situation that much worse, because now not only did the original questioner's mother have recurrent, advanced cancer, but I'm guessing her daughter also probably collected and destroyed her Euphorbia milii collection, which for all we know had been the woman's pride and joy for years.²

As if the plants were going to give her cancer again.

I did leave a comment, but I was about two years too late.

*sigh*

So that got me thinking about the concept of "bad luck" plants in general. I'd never heard of Euphorbia milii being bad luck before, much less harboring evil spirits, so I figured there were probably lots of other so-called "bad luck" plants I'd just not heard of before. So I googled. And boy, are there.

But first, let me just say -- the below is mostly pharmaceutical-grade bullshit. Plants don't contain or attract evil spirits; you're not going to change your life by buying, rearranging, or discarding them; they don't bring good or bad luck. Good stuff happens. Bad stuff happens. Because the good and bad stuff happens randomly, some people get more of it than others, but that doesn't have anything to do with what plants people grow. I mean, if having lucky bamboo nearby were actually lucky, then the people of Cameroon, where D. sanderiana is native, would be the wealthiest, happiest, longest-lived people in the world, yes? And yet.³

As has always been the case, the way to live a life of minimal unpleasantness is to be rich and powerful or related to someone who is. The plants you grow or don't grow are really not factors. (And anyway, if you're going to avoid everything on this list, you may as well just give up trying to grow plants, period.)

I've linked the sources for the various claims of bad luck, and either quoted or summarized the relevant parts. All quotations are [sic]. Sometimes I've added my own comments to the end.

Chlorophytum comosum.
(link)"Am I the only who has herd this one before? If you own a spider plant you will be cursed with bad luck. So anyone herd this old tale or know someone who owned the plant and had bad luck until getting rid of it? Odd I can't seem to find anything online about the topic but I herd it from someone so I wondered what you all thought." (-PillsburyDoughboy)
My comment: the general consensus from the people who replied was that either 1) they're not bad luck, or 2) that they might be, but everybody really hoped they weren't.⁴


Hedera helix
(link)Summary: ivy is bad luck inside but good outside. It's particularly bad to give it to someone who is ill.

(link⁵)My recollection is that this also said basically that ivy was bad luck inside the home.

(link)Summary: unlucky as a gift, "a person who grows ivy will always be poor," only permissible indoors as Christmas decoration.
My comment: you may as well go ahead and take this as true, because Hedera are often lousy houseplants. It's not that they're unlucky, just that they're unsuited to indoor cultivation unless you have a cool, bright, moist home, which few of us do.


Aloe vera
(link)"Some say that its bad luck to grow aloe vera plant at home, is it true?" (-ahelas_123)
My comment: the few people who replied said no, not bad luck.


Any and all thorny/spiky plants, especially cacti (probably also includes Pachypodium, Agaves, most Euphorbias, Pandanus veitchii, and pretty much anything else that could be worth growing). Shown: unidentified cactus.
(link)Summary: thorny plants shouldn't go inside the home or close to one's front door, but you can plant as many as you like outside the house.

(link)Summary: Friends of the author's suffered terrible catastrophes (unspecified) after putting cactus plants on their windowsills, because cacti send out "little slivers of bad energy" which accumulate like dust bunnies until something bad happens.⁶ Then the friends took the cacti away and the bad things stopped happening.

(link)"many people say that cactuses are bad luck especially if you place it inside your home, but i don't believe in that stupid idea, whoever said that, well i'm so sorry but i really don't believe you... I really love plants, i have my collection of cactuses at home, i just love them, they're very nice to look at..." (-Cosepqueenie)
My comment: replies amounted to one person saying "well, you don't have to believe it, sweetie" and two bits of spam.

(link)Summary: cacti are specifically believed to be bad luck in Hungary, apparently.


Bonsai specimens (Juniperus, Acer, etc.). Shown: Juniperus sp.
(link)Summary: bonsai represent stunted growth and thereby make for bad symbolism. Or something.


"Overgrown" plants (?). Shown: Pilea depressa.
(link)Summary: they give off bad vibes.⁷


Murraya paniculata.
(link)"The Murraya is a silent, slow killer. Those flu symptoms that you have been experiencing are thanks to the innocent looking orange jasmine. Get rid of it NOW or face a lifetime of illness." (Anonymous PATSP commenter, whose family is apparently allergic to the plant, which is a very different thing from the plant being a "silent, slow killer."⁸)


Cordyline fruticosa, red cvv.
(link)"Some people believe red ti plant invites bad luck."
My comment: the page also says that "Hawaiians think this plant is a charm against evil," which means that whether good things or bad things happen to you after buying a red ti plant, the page predicted that it would happen.

(link)Summary: Cordyline is a low-maintenance and colorful plant which is often grown in Singaporean cemeteries, because it's low-maintenance and colorful. Consequently, people believe it to be bad luck, because if it isn't bad luck then what's it doing in all those cemeteries, with the dead people?




Codiaeum variegatum (croton).
(link)Summary: Same as for Cordyline fruticosa: it's bad because it's grown in cemeteries; it's grown in cemeteries because it doesn't need a lot of tending.


Epipremnum aureum (pothos).
(link)Summary: [every bad thing that's happened to five (?) different families over a period of several years] (-tablariddim)
The original questioner hasn't considered the possibility that bad things often happen in close proximity to pothos because everyfuckingbody has a pothos.


Night-blooming / night-fragrant plants, especially those with white flowers and/or heavy fragrance, e.g. Cereus peruvianus, Epiphyllum cvv., Cestrum nocturnum, Hoyas, Sansevieria trifasciata?, Peniocereus greggii. Shown: Hoya lacunosa.
(link)Summary: Night-blooming plants are unlucky because in some cultures, suddenly detecting a flower's scent indicates the presence of spirits nearby. (See Musa and Ensete spp. below.) Also white is the color of death and mourning in these cultures too, so the fact that many night-opening flowers are also white just makes them that much scarier.
My comment: night-blooming flowers do tend to be fragrant or white or both, because both qualities make it easier for nocturnal pollinators to locate the flower.


Musa and Ensete spp. (bananas), Plumeria spp. (frangipani). Shown: Musa NOID.
(link)Summary: Banana trees are believed to contain spirits called "Pontianaks" who are the ghosts of women who died in childbirth. Pontianaks appear in the form of beautiful women, "dig into the . . . stomach with long sharp fingernails," and eat "it" (presumably the stomach?). They also attack pregnant women, and announce their presence by the smell of jasmine or Plumeria, followed by a horrible stench. A pontianak can be controlled by tying a red thread around a banana tree and tying the other end to the foot of one's bed; it then has to do the bidding of whoever tied the thread or whoever sleeps in the bed or something like that. (Site wasn't specific.)


Chrysanthemum cvv. Shown: Chrysanthemum NOID.
(link)Summary: Thought to attract the ghost of Okiku, who cries a lot, for reasons which vary according to the version of the story being told.

(link)Summary: bad luck because of its association with funerals.


Bamboo varieties. Shown: Pogonantherum paniceum.
(link)Summary: Contain evil spirits and/or ghosts.


Plumeria cvv. (frangipani)
(link)Summary: the Thai word for Plumeria means sadness, so obviously it's bad luck. It's believed to house the ghosts of evil people. Plus there's the whole thing about smelling the fragrance when a pontianak is nearby.


Tradescantia zebrina cvv. (wandering jew)
(link)Summary: the unluckiness of wandering jew is apparently a long-standing superstition in the U.S., though I'd never heard of it.⁹


Drosera spp.
(link)Summary: Not a lot of information to go on, but is apparently unlucky for sheep in particular?


Any plant that blooms out of season. Shown: Aechmea fasciata.
(link)Summary: plants blooming out of season were thought to be "touched by the devil."
I assume this would apply to plants that were chemically induced to bloom, so most store-bought Spathiphyllums, Schlumbergeras and bromeliads, would probably qualify. Also Euphorbia pulcherrima are usually induced to bloom a bit earlier than they normally would, in order to sell at Christmas, so they'd at least sort of count. (And we all know that poinsettias are touched by the devil regardless.) Probably lots of other things too.

No doubt I've missed some: it's difficult subject matter for a Google search, because one also runs into a lot of pages where people say they have bad luck with this plant or that plant, which is obviously different from having bad luck due to the plant. So let me know if you run into other examples.

-

¹ The full comment, copied from the site:

shayne Says:
January 18th, 2010 at 10:58 am

yeah.. its true.. the plant euphorbia is “MALAS”.. it has a bad spirit.. that causes many sickness.. and can cuase death for the whole family who lives in the house with euphorbia plants.. it is proven.. ive searched about this plant.. that is from the middle east.. one man there that owns that plant .. his family was died becauseof that plant.. after of wat happened to his famiy he decided to destroy it. but before he destroy it a seaman saw it and get one of it.. and that seaman brought it in the phillipines.. it is proven that if you have that plant in your house your family will always get sick.. that sometimes causes death for the whole family.. because that plant grows even you dont watered him.. it is beautiful to see.. but it brings badluck to your life.. so if you dont want bad luck happens to you and to your family.. destroy that plant.. and its better to tell it to your other friends about it.. to prevent the growing numbers of that plant.. im juz a concerned citizen.. thats why im telling you this. its all up to you if your going to beleive it..

[sic, obviously]
² (I mean, maybe not, but the plants must have been around for a while: if they were new, it wouldn't make any sense to blame them for the cancer. Not that it makes sense to blame them for the cancer anyway, but you know what I'm saying.)
³ One could make a fairly strong argument that Japanese knotweed -- native to prosperous East Asian countries like Japan, China, and South Korea, widespread and invasive in Europe, the U.S., and Canada -- is one of the most potent good-luck plants in the world, based on the economic situations of the countries where it's found. I mean, it would be extremely irresponsible to make that argument, but some people would find it convincing.
⁴ Tip: if you have to hope that it's not bad luck, because you've had a bunch of them for several years, then it's not. You would obviously notice it, if the bad luck were real. As would everybody else who's grown one.
⁵ This site was down when I was trying to write the post, but it worked when I was searching initially, so I don't know whether you'll be able to get to it or not. My recollection is that it said basically the same thing as snopes.com.)
⁶ I don't believe anyone has ever shown any physical evidence for the existence or accumulation of "energy shards," nor measured the rate at which they accumulate, nor defined the quantity necessary to cause "bad luck," nor explained how removing the source makes them go away. (When you remove a shedding dog from a house, does the accumulated hair disappear from the carpet? No? Then why would removing a plant make the accumulated energy shards disappear?)
Not that one would necessarily expect this to be the sort of detail you'd go into in the sort of breezy, informal book I've linked to, but -- well, that's sort of the problem: the feng shui community doesn't seem to publish anything that isn't breezy and informal.
⁷ (No, really, that's pretty much all it says.)
⁸ Among the differences: if you're allergic to plant X, it does not necessarily follow that all human beings are allergic to plant X. Also -- we've had the plant almost five years now: if it's going to kill us, it's taking its time about it.
⁹ (I suspect that most of these aren't actually believed by very many people, even in their country/region of origin.)

List: Houseplants Which are Partly or Totally Blue

Well okay. "Blue" is a stretch. Though a few genuinely blue plants are rumored to exist (Micorsorum steerii, an unknown Begonia species), one, they're iridescent, and change color depending on the angle at which they're being viewed, and two, it'd be a stretch to call them houseplants, since the Begonia isn't even in cultivation as far as I know, and the Microsorum is cultivated but not really suitable for the home outside of a terrarium. And maybe not inside a terrarium, either. I don't know anyone who's tried.

But there are still plants out there with some blue to them. Most are succulents, and the blue coloring is the result of a fine, powdery layer of wax covering the leaves and/or stems, which is confusingly called "bloom." The main purpose of bloom is to reflect excess light (especially ultraviolet) and heat away from the plant, which is why it's common on desert plants, but it also, being wax, is water-repellent, so other kinds of plants find uses for it as well (for example: the leaves of some varieties of cabbage; the leaves, stems, and seed pods of poppies; fruits of grapes and certain other fruits).

Because bloom serves a self-shading purpose in a lot of the plants in which it is found, plants grown indoors may not produce as much, and may as a result appear more green than plants of the same type grown outdoors. Bloom also rubs off easily when plants are handled, so if you value the color, try to touch the leaves as little as possible. On the other hand, some plants may change color if they're in very bright light (such as full sun outdoors): many Aloes, for example, will turn red or brown-red in full sun. Others will stay blue or green but will get reddish leaf margins.

Because there's no good way to define "blue" for these purposes, and because plants grown in different conditions may look different, I don't guarantee that you'll agree with my choices here, but I did search davesgarden.com for "blue," all 75 pages of results, so I'm trying to cast a wide net. (I also got to look at a ton of purple daylilies and potatoes, which makes me think that hort types have a broad and flexible understanding of the meaning of the word "blue" anyway.) Please note also that I'm excluding plants with blue flowers from consideration: here we're only thinking about leaves and stems. If I can come up with ten houseplants with blue flowers, and that's a big if, then blue-flowering plants will get their own list someday.

Agave x 'Blue Glow.' Leaves are pretty consistently turquoise to blue; marginal spines may be yellow, orange, or red depending on light, and are sometimes all three colors at once.

Aloe brevifolia. In outdoor sun, plants have a tendency to turn different colors: depending on the photo, they may be bronze, purple, or gray. My plant doesn't get much direct sun, and it has been light blue-green pretty much the whole time I've had it.

Browningia hertlingiana. Photos show variable color, but from what I can tell, the color tends to be a pretty solid turquoise/blue.

Echeveria cvv. (some cvv.) The blue cultivars tend to be a fairly pale, washed-out, greenish-blue, often with pink or red leaf tips.

Juniperus sp. Variable color depending on species, photography, and culture, but I think it's close enough to count.

Melocactus azureus. Quite a few pictures that turned up in Google image search looked pretty plain green, no blue at all, but the one in this picture really was as blue as shown. I assume either cultural differences or misidentifications.

Myrtillocactus geometrizans. The picture does a terrible, terrible job of illustrating the color (though it does show how the bloom rubs off with handling), but Myrtillocactus is typically a vivid blue-green.

Phlebodium aureum 'Mandianum.' New fronds in particular tend to be a dull blue-gray. My personal plant is a lot more yellow-green now than it was when I bought it, probably because of inadequate light, but the new fronds still emerge bluish.

Sedum morganianum. Plants kept in insufficient light will be greener. The real color is less saturated than that in the photo.

Selaginella uncinata. The blue color is due to iridescence. I don't know what these do in lower light.

On the do/don't recommends:

I do recommend Agave 'Blue Glow,' which has done fine for me so far under lights in the basement. It's unclear whether it's going to be a particularly good long-term indoor plant, and I'm aware they can get very large, which is a worry, but so far, so good.

Sedum morganianum is a favorite plant of mine: I was worried, after Sedum x rubrotinctum always seemed to be reaching for more light, that I wouldn't be able to grow S. morganianum, but my plant has been in a west window since the move, and it's been one of my better-behaved plants. It does drop leaves every time I water it: they're loosely attached to the stem, and come off easily. After trying for a while to prevent this from happening, I've decided to just accept that it will, and start new plants with the leaves that come off. As a result, we currently live with five pots of Sedum morganianum, and I expect there will be more coming along all the time.

The third recommend is Aloe brevifolia. It's not my most exciting plant, but it's been steady and unproblematic, and I've had it for a very long time (relatively speaking), so it wins out over the various plants in this list that I haven't had for very long or that haven't done much of anything (Browningia, Myrtillocactus, Phlebodium) or the nice-seeming plant I've never had at all (Melocactus).

For the un-recommend, I'm torn between Juniperus and Selaginella. Both are pretty inappropriate for your average indoor houseplant-grower, though for different reasons: Juniperus wants cooler temperatures, especially during the winter, and Selaginella is unforgiving of missed waterings and dry air. I suppose most people who received both at once would kill the Selaginella first, so if I have to choose, then Selaginella is the anti-recommend.

Not pictured:

• Several other Agave species and hybrids are blue to some degree or another; I'm particularly fond of the plant I think might be A. desmettiana.
• Many, many Aloe species and hybrids, including A. 'Blue Elf,' A. maculata, A. striata, A. vera, and A. 'Walmsley's Blue,' are bluish-green.
• Bismarckia nobilis is perhaps a little large and demanding to work as an indoor plant, but I've heard of people making the attempt, and it's sort of a silvery-blue in good conditions.
• Cereus aethiops varies a great deal in photos, but looks like it tends to be somewhere in the blue/green part of the spectrum most of the time.
  
• Chamaedorea cataractum, when grown in good conditions, has a metallic blue sheen to some of the fronds, though I expect that fades when grown indoors.
• Chamaedorea metallica has a sort of dull blue-gray color under some conditions.
• I'm not sure it makes a great houseplant, but the blue Mediterranean fan palm, Chamaerops humilis var. argentea, shows up as silvery blue in some photos.
• Crassula arborescens var. undulatifolia (sometimes sold as C. 'Blue Bird') is slightly bluish under strong light, and plain green under lower light.
• Also maybe not great houseplants: Cycas angulata (silvery-blue) and C. ophiolitica (slightly bluish green). The related cycads Encephalartos arenarius (highly variable, according to the pictures: olive green, blue-green, silvery) and E. horridus (much more uniformly silver-gray, with hints of blue) would also technically qualify.
  
• Dasylirion berlandieri and D. wheeleri are both bluish-gray, and I've seen D. wheeleri, at least, sold as a houseplant. No idea how well that works out for people.
• Echinocactus horizonthalonius is a dull, mostly gray shade of blue under some conditions.
• I'm not sure I believe in the existence of Epipremnum aureum 'Cebu Blue' or not, and if it does exist, I'm not sure it qualifies as blue except in name. Can't tell much from the photos.
• A number of Ferocactus spp. are blue or grayish-blue.
• Haworthia limifolia var. ubomboensis is mostly green, but with a hint of blue or blue-gray, depending on conditions and photography. A few other Haworthia species are also sometimes bluish, though they tend to be green or gray.
  
• Kalanchoe eriophylla is, according to davesgarden.com, given the common name of "Blue Kalanchoe," though it's more white than anything -- I'm not sure I see it.
• The younger leaves of Kalanchoe luciae and K. thyrsiflora are covered with a light bluish bloom, though it's temporary and not particularly intense.
• Kalanchoe marmorata is bluish-green or bluish-gray in good light.
• Kalanchoe tomentosa varies according to photography and growing conditions, but are sometimes gray-blue or blue-green.
• I found it a very disappointing houseplant, but Lamprathus blandus has lots of oddly-shaped leaves that can appear as blue, green, gray, or intermediate shades thereof.
• Leuchtenbergia principis is a bizarre cactus with blue-gray projections which resemble leaves. In strong light, the "leaves" will be edged with reddish-purple.
• Several cultivated Lithops varieties are blue-green or blue-gray.
• Microsorum steerii and M. thailandicum are both apparently a striking, deep, iridescent blue/green/black; whether they can be grown indoors is questionable.
• Several Opuntia species are blue-green, blue-gray, or blue-violet at certain points in the year, though since the most dramatic color is brought about by cold, a plant raised indoors year-round is unlikely to exhibit the full range of color.
• Some cultivars of Pachyphytum, xPachyveria, and xGraptoveria are blue, gray, or violet to some degree or another.
• Davesgarden.com lists a Peperomia 'Blue Whale,' which the photos make look mostly black, but I suppose it could plausibly be blue.
• Pilosocereus pachycladus is a washed-out bluish-gray.
• Sedum burrito is very similar to S. morganianum, pictured above, though the leaves are more rounded and are more perpendicular to the stem.
• Senecio crassissimus has red-edged blue-gray leaves when grown in bright enough light.
  
• I've never seen Senecio serpens and S. talinoides attempted indoors, but we did keep an S. talinoides (I think) in the greenhouse over a winter at work, and it grew okay. Possibly you'd have to use supplemental lighting. Both are powdery blue or blue-gray.

List: Houseplants for Beginners to Avoid

This is the flip side of the list I posted on May 27, which was about easy plants I recommended for beginning growers of houseplants. These are the ones that are fairly easy to get (usually a little less common than the easy ones; it depends where you shop), but are not good prospects for growing year-round indoors.

There are a number of reasons why this could be the case. Some of the plants on the list are very prone to bug problems. Some of them are easy enough to keep alive, but are unlikely to ever again look as good as they do when you first see them in the store. Some have completely unreasonable care requirements, or are slow to recover from damage and consequently just sit there looking like crap forever if you forget to water once. That sort of thing.

I either know, or have at least heard of, people who have been successful with each of these plants. I have no doubt that there will be people reading the list who will say but I have a [name of plant] and it was the first one I ever bought and it's been awesome for me for fifteen years; I think you're nuts. And to those people, I say congratulations. (Also I say that whether or not I'm nuts is not the issue.) I know of many more people, however, including some people with a lot of indoor plant experience, who have tried some of these and failed multiple times.

The unfortunate thing is that these are still being sold, a lot, because they're really damned attractive. The stores don't actually care what happens to your plant once you purchase it, and in fact would probably rather you killed them, everything else being equal (people with dead plants are people who will buy replacements), so they'll keep getting them in. But give some easier stuff a try before handing over your money for these, is basically what I'm saying.

Alocasia amazonica 'Polly.' (African mask plant)
Why you would want one: they have big, dramatic leaves with striking shape and coloration.
Why you shouldn't get it: spider mites love them, they're fussy about humidity and temperature, and occasionally they will decide to go dormant, which if you don't know that they do this will make you think you killed it.
What to buy instead: Anthurium andraeanum (some cultivars have similar leaf size and shape, plus flowers), Ficus elastica 'Burgundy' (similar leaf color, size, and texture), Philodendron 'Congo Red' or 'Imperial Red' (similar leaf size and color), Syngonium wendlandii (vining plant with velvety, dark green, arrowhead-shaped leaves and a contrasting lighter center).
If you've already bought one: watch carefully for spider mites (they will show up as light webbing on the underside of the leaves and a dusty, tan, washed-out look on the tops of the leaves). Keep humidity and temperature high (not below 60F/16C). Provide good light (filtered sun or very bright indirect or artificial light). Hope for the best.


Begonia rex-cultorum 'Harmony's Red Robin' (shown) and other Begonia rex-cultorum cvv. (rex begonia)
Why you would want one: iridescent-metallic, multicolored leaves in green, gray, red, black, pink, purple, or silver, on a low, trailing plant.
Why you shouldn't get it: unreasonable environmental requirements, plus prone to mildew and other fungal diseases, unforgiving of lapses in care.
What to buy instead: Saxifraga stolonifera is a very easy, low-growing plant with silver-veined green leaves which are red underneath. Tradescantia zebrina is a trailing plant which usually has purple leaves striped in silver. Pilea involucrata 'Norfolk' trails, and has red, brown, gray, and silver leaves depending on the amount of light it is receiving; it's not a particularly good beginner plant, but I'd consider it an improvement on rex Begonias. Some of the cane Begonias, particularly the angel-wing or trout-wing types, may be slightly easier to get along with than the rexes, and have coloration which is similar, though their habit is very different. Some rhizomatous Begonias (Don suggests 'River Nile' in the comments) are also less fussy, and the patterns are frequently just as interesting even if the color range is narrower.
If you've already bought one: provide bright indirect light or filtered sun to maintain color. Keep humidity high around the plant, but try to avoid splashing water directly on the leaves. Do not allow the plant to dry out completely.


Calathea roseo-picta 'Medallion' (shown?) and other Calathea spp. (peacock plant, rattlesnake plant, zebra plant, pin-stripe plant, etc.)
Why you would want one: large oval leaves with delicate, fancy-schmancy streaks and blotches of color.
Why you shouldn't get it: drought-intolerant, sensitive to fluoridated water, prone to spider mites, unreasonable expectations for humidity.
What to buy instead: some Aglaonema and Dieffenbachia cvv. have similarly intricate color patterns and oval leaves, if not an equally broad color palette. Peperomia obtusifolia has some cultivars with feathery green-and-yellow variegation (for example 'Golden Gate'), and though it's a much smaller plant, it's also much easier. Variegated Epipremnum aureum cultivars like 'Marble Queen' have fairly intricate, swirly patterns, though the colors tend to disappear if the plant is grown in low light.
If you've already bought one: as for Alocasia, above.


Dionaea muscipula. (venus flytrap)
Why you would want one: dude! They move, and kill insects and shit!
Why you shouldn't get it: need special water because they're mineral-sensitive, very strong light year-round, and inhumanly cool temperatures during winter (when they go dormant). Plus they rot at the drop of a hat.
What to buy instead: not many good options. The sensitive plant, Mimosa pudica, also moves in response to touch and is perhaps a little more manageable, though it also needs very bright light and is not, in my opinion, a very pretty plant most of the time. I've heard nice things from certain quarters about Drosera (sundews), Pinguiculas (butterworts), and Nepenthes (pitcher plants), but my experience with Nepenthes is that they're not easy at all, and I'd be surprised if the others were either. I would recommend that a beginner either wait for a long time to attempt carnivorous plants in general, or else commit to growing nothing but carnivorous plants, because their needs are very different from the plants people normally keep indoors, and very little of your experience with one group will transfer to the other.
If you've already bought one: they need lots of light (full sun), distilled or reverse-osmosis water, and a winter dormancy; read the Dionaea muscipula profile for more specific information. You might also consider getting a terrarium for it.


Euphorbia pulcherrima. (poinsettia)
Why you would want one: 'cause they're so fucking Christmasy and festive.
Why you shouldn't get it: they're just very badly-suited for indoor cultivation all around. They need tons of light, even during the winter when you're least likely to have lots of light; they need a lot of warmth; they're a pain to rebloom; they're usually potted in crappy potting mix because the growers don't expect them to survive past New Year's so there's no point springing for the good potting mix; they're usually artificially dwarfed using hormones, so even if you did manage to keep it until the next year, you'd have a leggy monstrosity; they tend to be stressed from being forced to grow fast and bloom fast; if you're in a cold climate, they've probably been shipped in cold and are stressed from that when you see them; they're prone to fungus, whitefly, and everything else; the lower leaves fall off at the drop of a hat, even if it's the next-door neighbor's hat; they bring untold misery and despair to garden center and greenhouse workers the world over; and I say not to.
What to buy instead: oh my god anything. An. Y. Thing. Norfolk Island pines (Araucaria heterophylla) can be very nice long-term plants if you have a bright, cool spot for one. Schlumbergera cvv. ("Christmas cactus") are very easy, though plants purchased late are prone to drop flower buds once you get them home, so try to buy them out of season or else as early as you can. Those are probably the two I'd most recommend. But if you don't like those, English ivy (Hedera helix) is common in stores around Christmas: it's a terrible, terrible idea to start your houseplant career with Hedera, but better that than poinsettias. Forced bulbs like Hippeastrum ("amaryllis") can be saved and made into long-term, reblooming plants. Even Cyclamen persicum or Kalanchoe blossfeldiana, absolutely anything at all, just not a poinsettia.
If you've already bought one: enjoy it while it lasts.


Gardenia jasminoides. (gardenia)
Why you would want one: the flowers smell amazing.
Why you shouldn't get it: they have unreasonable expectations.
What to buy instead: there are no great Gardenia substitutes, because nothing else smells like a Gardenia. But Hoya lacunosa flowers are pleasant, and the plant is easy to grow. Quite a few of the other Hoyas have pleasant-smelling flowers, too, though ease of care and ease of flowering vary from one species to the next. Murraya paniculata is considerably easier than Gardenia though not easy, and blooms readily year-round if given enough light and water. Finally, Callisia fragrans, which looks and smells nothing like Gardenia, is still relatively easy to bring into bloom, and the blooms smell good enough. All three of the above substitutes also have going for them that they'll continue to bloom for a good long while, once they've started, if care is consistent.
If you've already bought one: Gardenias like cool nights for setting buds, so aim for low temperatures in the 50s F (10-15C). Do anything you can to keep the plant out of hot, dry air, as well, as this will stress the plant and encourage spider mites. Don't let plants dry out completely, either. Plants will also usually benefit from spending the summer outdoors, if you have a semi-protected spot you can keep the plant in where it won't sit in the sun cooking to death. See also the Gardenia jasminoides profile.


Juniperus sp. bonsai, other bonsai (juniper, fukien tea, elm, Japanese maple, box, etc.)
Why you would want one: they look like adorable little trees, they're Asian-feeling, you have action figures that would look perfect sitting next to a miniature tree.
Why you shouldn't get it: Juniperus in particular needs much cooler winter temperatures than most houseplants, and won't survive a winter indoors with central heating. Other types of bonsai tend to be extremely touchy about heat and drought. There's also a lot of precise work involved in keeping the plant miniaturized: they want to be full-sized trees, and are only miniature because they're being deprived of root space and fertilizer, and keeping them in line is something of a job.
What to buy instead: some varieties of Ficus, especially F. benjamina 'Too Little' and F. microcarpa, are used as bonsai specimens, but are more resilient and accommodating than most species used as bonsai. 'Too Little' is genetically inclined to grow tiny, bonsai-scale leaves, even when it's not being treated like a bonsai, and consequently is easier to maintain as a miniature tree. Polyscias fruticosa and Crassula ovata maintain a treelike form as they grow, branching spontaneously and forming woody trunks (Crassula ovata is occasionally a legitimate bonsai subject.). Polyscias fruticosa also tends to develop gnarled, bonsai-like forms over time. Araucaria heterophylla doesn't do a very good pine impression, and eventually gets very large, but if you're looking for a houseplant conifer, it may be as close as you're going to get, as a beginner.
If you've already bought one: depends on the species. I recommend Googling for your particular species ("common bonsai subjects," maybe?), or else (if it was sold without an ID tag, as will usually be the case) locating a dedicated bonsai forum of some kind, where you can get advice specific to your plant.


Lithops spp. (living stones)
Why you would want one: the weirdness of a plant pretending to be a couple pebbles, or the novelty of a plant with windows in its leaves, or just the all-around freakyness of the thing.
Why you shouldn't get it: watering is tricky, and they demand a lot of light.
What to buy instead: Astrophytum species of cacti, especially A. myriostigma, sort of resemble oddly symmetrical rocks. They're a little touchy about overwatering, too, but not to the same degree. Senecio rowleyanus resembles green beads on a string, and portions of the leaves are translucent. Quite a few Haworthia species, though not all of them, have "windows" at the tips of their leaves, though the resemblance to pebbles is debatable. Pachyphytum spp. look like small piles of pebbles, to varying degrees.
If you've already bought one: give it as much light as you possibly can, and give it water only 1) when it looks like it's shriveling up, and 2) in late August. Otherwise, not even a drop, you hear me? When you do water, don't feel compelled to drench the soil, either. Less is definitely more in this case.


Ravenea rivularis. (majesty palm)
Why you would want one: you're looking for a palm, and it's big and cheap. (The one in the photo is an unusually small specimen.)
Why you shouldn't get it: they're all but impossible to grow indoors in a long-term way. The reason it's so big and cheap is that in Florida or wherever they're being produced, they grow very, very fast, so there's less time invested in a majesty palm than in most of the others, which means less fertilizer, less water, less pesticide, etc. The down side is that although they grow very well in an outdoor tropical climate, indoors they completely suck balls.
What to buy instead: kentia palms, Howea forsteriana, tend to be outrageously priced when one even manages to find one, but people rave about them being incredibly good plants. I've never had the pleasure of growing one, though, so don't know whether I agree. WCW used to talk up the spindle palm, Hyophorbe verschaffeltii, as being a very good indoor palm, but I've never tried that either, and again, they tend to be pricey. I'm personally partial to lady palms, Rhapis excelsa, though they lack the arching, finely-divided fronds of Ravenea and are slow growers and therefore expensive. If it's just the general V-shape you're into, Dracaena fragrans 'Massangeana' is widely available, cheap, and has a certain palminess to it, as do the various cultivars of Dracaena deremensis ('Warneckei,' 'Lemon-Lime,' 'Janet Craig,' 'Limelight,' 'Art,' and so forth), Ficus maclellandii, and Yucca guatemalensis. Strelitzia nicolai, the white bird of paradise, does a decent job of signifying tropical, and is usually not that expensive, though they're very big and need a lot of light to do well.
If you've already bought one: don't get too attached, monitor for spider mites, and give it as much light, heat, and humidity as you can manage. Ravenea would probably also benefit from spending summers outside in a semi-shady spot, though they're extremely thirsty, so make sure to keep it watered.


Selaginella kraussiana cv. (shown) and other Selaginella spp. (spikemoss, clubmoss)
Why you would want one: delicate, finely-divided foliage, sometimes with a deep red underside (S. erythropus) or iridescent blue sheen (S. uncinata).
Why you shouldn't get it: they're unforgiving of low humidity, over- and underwatering.
What to buy instead: there aren't a lot of alternatives for this one either. I like some of the Davallias (rabbit's-foot ferns) for delicate, finely-divided foliage, and at least one of mine (D. tyermanii) has a slight blue tinge to it. Crassula muscosa has a similar texture and is easier care when properly established, though a lot of the plants sold seem to be sold before they've rooted completely, which makes them somewhat difficult. Pilea depressa lacks the color and is not as fine-textured, but it's still in that same small-leaved creeping category.
If you've already bought one: get a terrarium and plant Selaginella in it. You'll both be much happier.


Don't start with these either:

Adiantum spp. (maidenhair fern)
Asplenium nidus / antiquum (bird's-nest fern)
Caladium spp. (angel wings)
Citrus / Fortunella / etc. (citrus, lemon, orange, lime, kumquat)
Codiaeum variegatum (croton)
Cyclamen persicum (florists' cyclamen)
Fenestraria rhopalophylla (baby toes)
Hedera helix (English ivy)
Hibiscus rosa-sinensis (hibiscus)
Jasminum sambac (jasmine)
Kalanchoe blossfeldiana (flaming Katy, kalanchoe)
Maranta leuconeura cvv. (prayer plant, rabbit tracks)
Nepenthes spp. (pitcher plant)
Oxalis triangularis ("shamrock")
Rhododendron cvv. (azalea)
Rosmarinus officinalis (rosemary)
Soleirolia soleirolii (baby tears)
Streptocarpus cvv. (cape primrose)
Stromanthe sanguinea cvv.
tree ferns (Blechnum, Cyathea, Dicksonia, Cibotium)