Texts From an Anthurium

Preface: as much as I'd love to claim credit for it, I did not create this form; it belongs to Mallory Ortberg at The Toast, and she's done way better things with it than this. (I particularly recommend Text Messages From a Jack-O-Lantern, though be warned: it's sad. Texts From The Lorax is also really good, and more upbeat. They're all recommended, though.)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Hi
Im touching the top of the thing now

what thing

i dont know its solid and clear
and making me bend

plastic?

?

ill get you yr own pot soon

dont rot first ok?

its just kind of uncomfortable is all
my petiole hurts

---------------------------------------------------------------
my roots feel funny

yeah the potting mix

isn't the same as the vermiculite

i know

youll get used to it tho

its not bad exactly
just weird

well give it some time

it tastes different
i dont feel anchored properly
like i might come loose and fall

you wont fall

itll be ok

---------------------------------------------------------------
i dont know if im supposed to
talk to you abt this or what
but the soil feels dry

oh geez

sorry

i should have watered yesterday

instead of playing the sims

no worries
i think im ok
just maybe water soon ok

---------------------------------------------------------------
aaa aaa aaa aaa

what

what is it

theres something on me

what

theres something on me and
oh god
i think its eating me
do somethign pls

ill be right there

where did it come from
what is happening

its probably scale

a scale insect

ive been trying bu

theyre hard to get rid of

well hurry up
i dont like scale insects

im coming

i dont like them either

---------------------------------------------------------------
hey

hi bob

did you mean to turn out the light

i didnt turn anything off

no

cause the light above me is dark
and usually its bright
at this time of day

probably one of the bulbs burnt out

they dont last forever

or maybe the fixture went bad

sometimes they break

can i come down and fix it in like half an hr?

ok
its just darker
and im hungry

do you want me to come down right now?

i could do that

well if its not aa problem 4u
but you dont have to
RIGHT now

no its ok

ill do it now

im not doing anything important anyway

just the blog

---------------------------------------------------------------
help
theres sometihng on me again

what

more scale

no its different
it moved really fast
i dont know if its still there or not
but it was big
lots bigger

oh

was it trying to eat u

i dont think so
it just ran across
its gone now

it was probably just a spider

did you count the legs

spiders have 8

i didn't count
i was distracted

well let me know if it comes back

ok
thank you
sorry to bother you

---------------------------------------------------------------
hey
bijoux just made a funny leaf
its all red
and theres a weird dangly bit
are they ok

what like a flower

whats a flower

oh god

why is it bad
to have a flower

i dont know how to explain

its not bad

maybe kind of embarrassing

its where seeds come from

seeds like i used to be

yes

i cant believe i have to give the birds and bees talk

to a plant

what are birds and bees

actually its probably not birds and bees

for anthuriums

its probably beetles or flies or something

maybe i shoudl google that

before i try to explain

whatever
as long as i know
theyre not dying

not at all

its a good thing

it shows theyre growing up

and humans like me

think flowers are pretty

usually

so you wish i would make a flower?
are you disappointed

no no no

its not like that at all

youll bloom when you bloom

theres no pressure at all

i like leaves too

---------------------------------------------------------------
ive got a surprise for you

a happy surprise?

yes

should i come down now and look

no
not yet
its not ready yet
wait a few weeks

should i guess?

is it a flower?

maybe
youll just have to wait and see

when shouldi check

couple weeks

ok

---------------------------------------------------------------
so what did you think

about the flower?

it was nice

omg i am so horny right now
do you think theres a way i could

tmi tmi tmi

get my pollen over to bijoux
sorry
its hard to think about anything else
but was the flower nice?

yeah

tho i wondered why you went with

pinkish-red

dont know
it seemed like a nice color when bijoux did it
you dont like pinksh red?

no

i mean its a fine color

its just that most of you guys

are doing pinkish red

i was thinking thered be more variety maybe

oh

but thats not to say

its a bad color

i mean its not white

if all of you did white flowers then

that would be really boring

i can try to do something else next time

i dont think it works like that

but seriously dont worry about it

im sorry i said anything

ppink-red is great

and youre right bijoux does wear it well

and so do you for that matter

---------------------------------------------------------------
help

what

i think my flowers going to fall off
its all dry and shit

oh

is that all

what do you mean
is that all
i dont want 2 go back
2 just having leaves again

well but

having flowers si so much fun

you know you can make more flowers right?

and pollination is the
i can make more flowers?

yes

bob

you can make more flowers

most anthuriums do

oh thank goodness
if i couldnt make any more flowers
id be so depressed

a lot of plants dont bloom more than once actually

so youre kind of lucky

they just bllom and then go back to making leaves forever?
that doesnt make any sense

no

usually they bloom once
set seeds and then die

oh
yeah dying sounds abt right
i cn understand that

i wouldnt have thought blooming was

such a big deal

dont humans bloom

well sort of

but its different

but you wouldnt want to bloom once
and then die right?

no

youre right

you make a good point

now youve got me feeling bad for annuals

thats what the plants that do that are called

being an annual must be terrible

yeah maybe it is

id never really thought about it