The Houseplants I'd Recommend to Various TV Characters, and Why

Just one of those places my mind goes during idle moments. (Who among us doesn't fantasize from time to time about being able to talk houseplants with Buffy Summers? Hmm?)

Show, character: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy Summers
Actor: Sarah Michelle Gellar
Plant recommendation: Phalaenopsis cv.


Buffy often complained, especially in the early seasons, about the pressure of having to save the world from vampires, on the one hand, with the desire to live like a normal SoCal high school girl. Phalaenopsis isn't that demanding of a plant, so she should be able to keep up with its needs, and it also has long-lived, attractive flowers in various girl-friendly colors. Sunnydale's mild climate should get cool enough during the winter for the plant to set buds if she leaves the window cracked a bit, without getting so cold that the plant's at risk of freezing. I'd also advise her to keep it on one side or the other of the windowsill, not right in the center, because with all the sneaking in and out she does, it'd be awfully easy to knock it over and break off buds or crack the pot.

 

Show, character: Will and Grace, Jack McFarland
Actor: Sean Hayes
Plant recommendation: Anthurium cv.


Realistically, Jack would have whatever houseplants the hottest guy in the garden center recommended, whether they were suitable for him or not. I'm fairly certain that I'm not hot enough to get Jack's attention, and I don't really see him as having the sort of attention span required to take regular care of a plant, but if I had to come up with a suggestion and he promised to try, I suppose a plant with the common name "peter on a platter" might hold his interest for a bit. It can't hurt the plant's chances, at least.

 

Show, character: The Simpsons, Lisa Simpson
Actor: Yeardley Smith (voice)
Plant recommendation: Dionaea muscipula


Lisa's pretty much a plant-seller's dream customer, since you know she's going to research the care requirements and then be conscientious about providing the appropriate conditions. Given her interest in science, a venus-flytrap might be just the thing: she could learn about carnivorous plants, read up on the mechanism behind the rapid trap-closing movement, and study the ecology of the bogs in which Dionaea grow naturally. I'd recommend she keep the plant away from Bart, who would almost certainly try to feed it hamburger at some point (though he might be willing to catch bugs for it, if approached in the right way).

 

Show, character: The Office (U.S.), Michael Scott
Actor: Steve Carell
Plant recommendation: Spathiphyllum cv. (?)


I don't recall ever seeing his home, and his office window doesn't get direct sun as far as I can recall, so we're probably looking for something that will tolerate low light and erratic care. (He seems like the type to forget that the plant exists for long periods of time, followed by attempting to water every day because he heard somebody say something about daily watering once.) A peace lily probably isn't ideal, but they're better communicators than most, and I think even Michael could learn the rule "water when it wilts, and leave it alone the rest of the time."

 

Show, character: Roseanne, Roseanne Conner
Actor: Roseanne Barr
Plant recommendation: Epipremnum aureum


As a working mother of three, with an emotionally needy sister and not a lot of money, Roseanne doesn't have a lot of time to fuss over a plant, but pothos are very undemanding plants, which could stand to be neglected for a week or two if Becky, Darlene, or D. J. are having crises, plus they're widely available and cheaply replaced if one should happen to get pushed too far.

 

Show, character: 30 Rock, Jack Donaghy
Actor: Alec Baldwin
Plant recommendation: Strelitzia reginae


With huge windows and blinds that are rarely closed, plus the money to hire staff to care for his plants, the only thing holding Jack back would be his office's low humidity. A Strelitzia wouldn't care about that, plus they're visually strong, bold plants that are good indoors. That he could afford to get blooming-size specimens only makes them more appropriate. (I apologize for not having a good photo of a blooming-size plant.)

 

Show, character: Being Human (U.S./Canada), Sally Malik
Actor: Meaghan Rath
Plant recommendation: Haworthia attenuata


Being a ghost poses special challenges for plant care, but since she's learned how to interact with physical objects (sometimes), watering's not the obstacle that it would have been during most of the first season. I'd recommend something that didn't need a lot of water, and could be kept in the kitchen near the sink, to minimize the consequences if her concentration should happen to slip while transporting the water. The Being Human house appears to have a partly-obstructed east or west window above the kitchen sink, which would be fine for a succulent that didn't demand a lot of light, like a Haworthia.

 

Show, character: Star Trek, Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Actor: DeForest Kelley
Plant recommendation: Passiflora incarnata


With the flora of hundreds (thousands?) of planets to choose from, I'm guessing most Enterprise residents probably don't have Earth-native species in their quarters, but Dr. McCoy is both old-fashioned and sentimental, so it seems likely that he would choose something from Earth, and most likely something he'd seen as a child in the southern U.S.
Not only does Passiflora incarnata work, they're also potentially useful in medicine, and produce edible fruits. Indoor care would be difficult, but I'm assuming that indoor plants are probably a lot easier to grow in the 23rd century. And if not, surely the Enterprise has a botany lab or arboretum or something, I don't know. (Damnit, Jim, I'm a plant blogger, not a Trekkie!)

 

Show, character: Firefly, Kaylee Frye
Actor: Jewel Staite
Plant recommendation: Schlumbergera cv.


On the other hand, in the Firefly universe, the plants and animals of Earth-That-Was appear to be all that anybody has to work with, so we're on a bit firmer ground to make guesses. We know she likes ruffly dresses, and lives on a ship that gets knocked around quite a bit and occasionally breaks down altogether, so it should be something pretty, but with a tough constitution. I think Schlumbergera is probably as close as we're going to get: easy to bloom, the flowers are complex, abundant, and colorful, and if the artificial gravity breaks down occasionally so the plant winds up floating around the room, well, the worst that'll happen is that some segments might fall off.

 

Show, character: Beavis and Butthead, Beavis
Actor: Mike Judge (voice)
Plant recommendation: Aloe vera

Beavis really shouldn't be trusted with plants at all, considering how bad he is at keeping himself alive, but an Aloe vera can pretty much fend for itself in Texas so long as it gets rain occasionally (Not a great assumption recently, I know, but still.), and nobody who loves fire like Beavis loves fire should be without an aloe nearby.

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Photo credits:

Photos aren't necessarily the property of the sites I took them from; the whole legal standing of screencaps, re-use of promotional materials, and so on is confusing for me. But these are the immediate sources for the actor photos I used. (Plant photos are all my own.) Some photos were cropped, resized, or otherwise slightly altered.

Buffy Summers: http://dana.web.unc.edu/2011/05/21/buffy-the-vampire-slayer-or-how-i-became-a-card-carrying-member-of-the-cult-of-joss-whedon/

Jack McFarland: http://lifestyle.inquirer.net/3634/tv-dads-we-love

Lisa Simpson: http://willyoumissme.com/2010/10/21/joanna-newsom-is-lisa-simpson-%E2%80%94-in-her-dreams/

Michael Scott: http://videogum.com/298112/thursday-night-tv-open-thread-goodbye-michael-scott/top-stories/

Roseanne Conner: http://dunderbrain.wordpress.com/2008/11/07/dan-and-roseanne-conner%E2%80%99s-floor-plan/

Jack Donaghy: http://www.fanpop.com/spots/30-rock/images/265765/title/jack-donaghy-photo

Sally Malik: http://scifi.about.com/od/beinghuman/ig/Gallery---Being-Human--on-Syfy-Season-2/Meaghan-Rath-as-Sally-Malik.htm

Leonard "Bones" McCoy: http://seriesandtv.com/top-10-classic-tv-doctors-who%C2%B4s-your-favourite-doctor-on-tv/3562

Kaylee Frye: http://firefly.wikia.com/wiki/Kaywinnit_Lee_Frye

Beavis: http://www.screened.com/news/beavis-butt-head-still-carrying-the-fire-after-all-these-years/3061/

Pretty pictures: Passiflora cvv.

Yesterday was pleasantly frantic -- lots of time spent e-mailing about the sell/trade plants -- so I didn't have a lot of time to write this.

(The husband asked, "You just posted a 10,000 word post yesterday; you can't take a day off?" "Sure," I said, "I could, but the big post only applies to people in the U.S.: what are the Canadians supposed to read? I have to think of the Canadians!")

So we've got a couple Passiflora flowers, photographed at the ex-job about five weeks ago.

Unidentified Passiflora sp.

Passiflora citrina.
The P. citrina flower was surprisingly small (maybe a couple inches or 5 cm; about as long as my thumb), but apparently that's how they're supposed to be.

Top 12 PATSP posts of 2010

Once again, I wait to do the year-end retrospective until after the year is actually over.

The husband: But you're supposed to do those at the end of the year, when you're looking back. The beginning of the year is supposed to be about looking forward.

Me: Well yeah, but how can I say they're the best posts of 2010 before 2010 is over? I mean, maybe I'll write a really kick-ass post for December 31.
[pause]
Not that I did. I'm just saying I could, and then it wouldn't be on the list, and nobody would know about it, and even I would probably forget that I'd written it, but even if I remembered it and put it on the 2011 list, it wouldn't be the same because it's on the wrong year's list, and in the future somebody who's combing through the debris of our civilization after the apocalypse has happened will run across my blog on some server somewhere and they'll be all like, wow, this guy must have been brain-damaged or something: he's got a post on a "best of 2011" list that was written in 2010, no wonder the zombies got him, and I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE CALLING ME STUPID AFTER THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T DELINEATE YEARS PROPERLY, OKAY?

The husband: Oh. [pause] Okay.

Anyway.

Last year I came up with sixteen favorite posts; this year, either I sucked more, or I had higher standards, 'cause I only wound up with twelve. (Actually, it's neither, I think: I was reasonably fond of most of the plant profiles I did this year, but I figure the main purpose of writing these lists is to call people's attention to posts they might have missed, and the profiles, though I work hard on them, already have links in the sidebar and get read regularly regardless. I did include my very favorite 2010 profile, but I didn't include all the profiles.)

So without further ado.

12. Pretty pictures: Paeonia cvv. (28 May 2010) I still don't necessarily like peonies all that well, but I really liked the way this particular photo turned out:



11. The One About Plant Theft (20 July 2010) Sometimes people will steal plants. Does this mean people are terrible? Yes. Yes it does.

10. Pretty pictures: Passiflora spp. (11 July 2010) This has very little to do with the pictures (though they're nice) and everything to do with me being proud that I managed to come up with an argument that Passiflora flowers are actually all about the TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," instead of the crucifixion of Christ like everybody thinks.



9. Random plant event: Hoya lacunosa flowers (17 January 2010) Mostly me going off on the Garden Bloggers Bloom Day participants for not having a sufficient number of houseplants, something I'm tempted to do again this winter. (Instead, though, I think I'm going to try to get it together to participate.)



8. List: Houseplants Which Could, In Theory, One Day Produce Something Edible, Perhaps (5 October 2010) May or may not have been one of my best posts of the year (though my preamble, with an eight-item list of disclaimers, is certainly the acme of something or another), but it attracted lots of comments.

7. Lawn Ornaments: Frozen Water Balloons (6 January 2010) This post has been weirdly popular with people who don't otherwise read PATSP: I've seen it linked to from a number of non-gardening websites, which surprised me. Plans to build on the idea this year by constructing a multi-colored back yard ice-block fort have been hindered by the lack of suitably large and durable containers in which to freeze the water. I'm still hoping to figure something out, though.



6. Pretty picture: Vanda Pakchong Blue (20 April 2010) Included because this is, upon review of all 2010 posts, my favorite photo from the whole year.



5. List: Houseplants You'll Want to be Growing During the Zombie Apocalypse of 2014 (5 March 2010) This was also extremely popular with non-gardeners (lots of zombie enthusiasts out there, it turns out), but gardeners liked it too. (Enough that one of them may have ripped off the idea, which I find bothersome, though I can't prove it was malicious.) And it won me a Mousie, which means a lot of you knew about it already and you want me to move on to the next one on the list. So I will!

4. Being Robin Ripley (8 April 2010) PATSP's contribution to the Ugly Vegetable Garden War of 2010.

3. BREAKING: Dog Adoption Complete (25 March 2010) The very first Sheba-related post that included pictures. You knew there was going to be a Sheba picture somewhere in this list.



2. Carmen Miranda (Ananas comosus), Part I (17 June 2010) I made an exception to the general no-plant-profiles rule for this particular post, for the simple reason that I will never again write a footnote that's as perfect as this post's footnote 5, and I will not stop telling people about it until everyone in the whole world knows.



1. Book Review: Hothouse Flower, by Margot Berwin (30 September 2010) I read a book once and found it unsatisfying.



What will the best posts of 2011 be like?

Probably quite a bit like these, actually. But we won't know for a year, so keep reading.

Pretty pictures: Passiflora spp.

I didn't get variety names for either of these, so I don't know what species or cultivar they are. You know how it is. They're still pretty either way.


It's occurred to me that most (all?) of the plant books I read as a kid, if they mentioned Passiflora, they would go into the whole thing about how the flower is emblematic of the crucifixion of Jesus. As Wikipedia puts it (in somewhat more detail than I would have anticipated):

• The pointed tips of the leaves were taken to represent the Holy Lance.
• The tendrils represent the whips used in the flagellation of Christ.
• The ten petals and sepals represent the ten faithful apostles (less St. Peter the denier and Judas Iscariot the betrayer).
• The flower's radial filaments, which can number more than a hundred and vary from flower to flower, represent the crown of thorns.
• The chalice-shaped ovary with its receptacle represents a hammer or the Holy Grail
• The 3 stigmas represent the 3 nails and the 5 anthers below them the 5 wounds (four by the nails and one by the lance).
• The blue and white colors of many species' flowers represent Heaven and Purity.

Which, you know, hey, if you want to look at it like that, more power to you, I guess, but I find it weird that people can find stuff like that meaningful. I mean, when it comes right down to it, these are just some numbers, and some colors, and some fairly common shapes. One could call them "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" flowers, with as much justification:

• The pointed tips of the leaves represent the stakes with which slayers kill vampires.
• The tendrils represent the assorted monsters Buffy also kills, some of whom have tentacles.
• The ten petals and sepals represent the ten characters who were part of the Scoobies during part of the show, but not the entire seven seasons: Oz (seasons 2-4), Tara (4-6), Anya (3-7), Cordelia (1-3), Giles (1-5, 7), Riley (4-5), Andrew (7), Angel (1-3), Spike (4-7), Dawn (5-7).
  
• The flower's radial filaments, which can number more than a hundred and vary from flower to flower, represent the 144 aired "Buffy" episodes.
• The chalice-shaped ovary with its receptacle represents the Hellmouth below Sunnydale High School.
• The 3 stigmas represent the core Scooby group (the three characters who were major cast members for all seven seasons), Buffy, Willow, and Xander, and the 5 anthers below them the 5 named slayers with speaking roles (Buffy, Kendra, Nikki, Faith, The First Slayer).
• The red color of some varieties' flowers refer to the blood vampires drink.

Which, yeah, one could quibble with the details of the above (Faith and Joyce don't count as non-core Scoobies? The First Slayer counts as a named Slayer character but the Chinese slayer Spike kills doesn't? Etc.), but that's true of the Passion story too (how can a chalice represent a hammer?). Small numbers, colors, and simple shapes are all common enough things that whatever combination you have, there will be some parallels to something else, somewhere. Doesn't make it meaningful. Flowers have enough responsibilities already, without adding Professor of Theology (or Film Criticism) to the pile.

Pretty picture: Passiflora NOID

This picture is from where I used to work, and I'm sorry to say that I don't know anything about the plant here than is obvious: it's red, and it's a Passiflora, and I'm pretty sure it's not Passiflora coccinea.

Oh, and it's kinda pretty, also. I recommend opening the picture in a separate window.

Pretty picture: Passiflora coccinea

Passifloras have never really done it for me, which surprises me as much as it probably surprises you. It's not that they're not pretty, but . . . well, I can't really give a reason. I don't know the reason. They just make me go ennh.

Until about a month ago, I didn't know that passion flowers came in any color besides purple, and up until about a year ago, I had no idea that anybody ever tried to grow them as houseplants. I still don't think very many people do, but WCW had at least one.

Of course, now that I think about it, I became aware that WCW had one at home because she brought it to the work greenhouse to overwinter, so it's possible that it didn't spend much actual time in her home (she puts everything, or at least almost everything, outside for the summer: I'm told her yard looks like a tropical rain forest that appears and disappears with the seasons), and therefore probably doesn't really count as a houseplant except very technically.