"This investigation is closed. . . ."

ALLERGY WARNING: Contains sarcasm and bitterness.
Manufactured on equipment that processes snark and strong language.

So I've heard back from the hospital about my complaint with their Occupational Health doctor. (Previous hospital-related posts here and here. The latter is the one relevant to this post.) Oddly, I've only received a bill for one of the two emergency room visits, the latter one. I'm not complaining exactly, but it leaves me waiting for the other shoe (or bill, in this case) to drop.

As predicted, crappy hospital regards themselves as not at fault for any of the crappiness they inflicted,¹ though naturally they're also seriously regretful that my trip to the Occupational Health doctor was anything less than a delightful romp through a meadow full of balloons and kittens. E.g.,

. . . The medical record shows you were instructed to drink plenty of fluids such as Gatorade and juices. You were clinically stable to return to work. It appears that we could improve our instructions regarding fluid replacement in these situations.² We regret if this caused you any unnecessary worry or inconvenience.

Please accept our sincere apology³ that our care did not meet your expectations; we are sorry that you did not feel you were treated in a timely manor.⁴ The Occupational Health Department was exceptionally busy that day.⁵ Our goal is to provide quality care and improve patient satisfaction.⁶ . . .

I appreciate that they're pretending to give a damn, but come on. The best they could do is "whoops! We were really busy!"? I can fake caring much, much better than that, and I'm just some guy, not someone who's received (one assumes) hours of instruction in how to pretend to care about people. Geez.

So that's my last voluntary visit to that hospital. Tell me you didn't see that coming.

Gratuitous bromeliad photo. This, incidentally, is the consolation Neoregelia I was talking about earlier, that I only get if I go to the E.R. three times in a week.

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¹ Which leaves open the question of who was, exactly. I'm pretty sure it wasn't my fault, either. Maybe monkeys? Terrifying Occupational Health monkeys? Should I write back and ask? (50,000 points and the all-expenses-paid trip for two to Rio de Janeiro to the first poster who recognizes the "Terrifying Occupational Health monkeys" reference)
² I guess you guys are lucky providing sound medical advice for fluid replacement in these kinds of situations isn't, like, your job or anything, 'cause if it was, you'd be so fucked.
³ Gosh. I hope nobody lost any sleep worrying about me or anything. I'd hate for them to be feeling so guilty and angsty about me that they give somebody else the wrong prescription or something.
⁴ [sic]. Though it makes me want to try to find this Timely Manor place, since it comes so highly recommended. But seriously: "we are sorry you did not feel you were treated in a timely [manner]?" That I didn't feel I was treated in a timely manner? You guys see nothing wrong with a ninety-minute delay between appointment time and seeing the actual doctor?
⁵ Really? That's really weird, 'cause I didn't have anything better to do with my time. Y'all should have said something. I could have come back when it was more convenient for you. Maybe when you guys set up the appointment, you could have made it for a time when you weren't going to be exceptionally busy. God forbid I should inconvenience anybody by asking for medical attention.
⁶ Yeah? How's that working out for you?